I remember the day when I thought mama and daddy were evil…

It started out pretty normal.  I was walking down the stairs with mama. I remember when I could only walk up the stairs. Daddy would have to carry me down the stairs because it was steep and scary going down. I’m more grown up now.  The days of having daddy carry me down the stairs were over. As daddy would say, “Those noob puppies.”

As I was saying, I was getting ready to eat breakfast in the kitchen. I had a big smile on my face. My tail was wagging and I was heeling next to mama even though they didn’t even teach me the heel command yet.

At the time, Daddy didn’t want to teach me the heel command because he said, “dogs don’t heel in nature because it’s too vulnerable. One bullet would take out both of us.” Of course, daddy doesn’t have any military training. Instead, at most, daddy’s qualifications consist solely of being Chinese and having read the Art of War by Sun Tzu twice.  Moreover, I highly doubt that someone would shoot at a golden retriever.

Mama was wearing a pair of pastel blue terry cloth shorts – very chewable material. I don’t remember what mama’s top looked like. Mama had a red hoodie that she wore all the time and if I had to guess, that would be what she was wearing. Daddy use to joke about how we could never figure out what year a photo was taken because mama always wore the same red hoodie. Of course, I wanted to be just like mama, so I wore the same blue collar, except they just got bigger as I got older.

Lately, our morning routine consists of me looking at mama with my big bright eyes and then biting her shorts. Mama would make a big fuss about it and praise me in a loud and excited voice.

This morning, however, something different happened. As I was getting ready to bite mama’s shorts, mama grabbed my mouth shut and said “NO BITE.”

Immediately, I gave a whimper, my tail went between my legs, and I ran into the kitchen. I don’t remember if I ate breakfast that morning, which is a big deal because I love breakfast. I do remember that I didn’t look mama and daddy in the eye for the whole day.  Mama and daddy wanted to play ball with me but I wanted no part of it. Mama and daddy thought I would get over it but I was still mad even at bed time.

I remember mama telling me to not go to bed angry. I pretended that I didn’t hear mama.  I kept staring at the wall. It was then that mama and daddy knew that you were a sensitive boy. We will use a different technique to train you.

From: P-‘s Breeder
Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 9:59 AM
To: P-‘s mama and daddy
Subject: Re: P- likes to bite – HELP !

> P- seem to have developed a problem of biting his mama’s shorts in the
morning. His tail would wag and he looks so happy when he does it. I’m not
sure if mama thought it was funny at first but now she wants him to stop.
I tried teaching him the off command by giving him a treat but it didn’t
seem to work. I can’t grab his attention… do you have any advice ?

This is a common phase for Goldens to go through about now. I have reports from other littermate owners saying their pups are really getting rowdy all of a sudden.

Mama needs to grab him over the top of his muzzle with one hand and squeeze his lips against his own teeth HARD while saying “NO BITE!” Half measures will not work here. She must be quick, hard, and loud. If it doesn’t work, she isn’t squeezing hard enough. If done correctly he should let go right away, then she can give him a toy to have in his mouth instead of her shorts!

C-, P-‘s breeder

Do you remember sleeping under mama and daddy’s desk when you were just a pup?

I think you were only five months at the time.

You would sleep under mama’s desk while she worked. When you woke up from your nap, you would wait quietly under the desk until mama and daddy finished working so you can play with them.

Of course, mama and daddy took lots of breaks and no work really got done for the first couple of weeks.

As you got bigger, you still slept under the desks but you took less naps. Furthermore, you would no longer wait quietly until mama and daddy finished working. Instead, you would play with your squeaky toys and you would make constant squeaky sounds until you got mama’s attention.

Later, the boredom really got to you and you started stretching against the desks. You would roll on your back and kick your tiny little legs against the desks. Mama and daddy would yell at you because you would scratch up the desks but you didn’t care because you got their attention. You knew that you just had to smile and then mama and daddy would stop working and play with you.

Did you know that when you started teething, mama and daddy would secretly peek under the desk to make sure that you were not chewing on the power cords?